Of All Things Holely
by DCHeesegirl
Summary: HolesLOTR crossover. Zigzag and Squid gets transported to ME after a freak accident.


I am a very insane human specimen. Expect insane, random words and phrases in my stories.

May the dog with well-endowed respiratory organs be with you...

* * *

It was a hectic day at CGL. Ever since X-ray's "find," the whole camp had to expand his whole to join Squid and Armpit's in case they found something else. Looking like a stouter version of an old western cowboy, Mr. Sir marched among them and yelled random insults as the hot sun beat upon their backs.

"You call that diggin', Zigzag?" Mr. Sir spat. "My mom does better—and she's been DEAD for five years!"

He yelled similar things to other campers until his voice became hoarse and they had to endure crackly outcries of "Hurry up!" or "I'll put a hurt on ya!"

"Dig it uh oh oh, dig it...Dig it uh oh oh...Dig it uh—"

"SHUT UP! You call that singin'? I can do better than that!" Mr. Sir bellowed at Armpit. Armpit rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Alright, y'all!" the Warden said, looking frustrated. "I guess this is good enough for today.." The boys gratefully climbed out of the series of tunnels that were once half of D-tent's holes.

"This...place...sucks...ducks..." X-ray said, dragging his shovel behind him and walking like an elderly person.

"Yeah, and I'd pay some bucks if I's can chucks those fucks." Magnet said, glaring at the camp counselors.

"Magnet."

"Yeah?"

"Do everyone a favor and DON'T rhyme anymore."

"What the heck is that, Zig?" Squid asked, pointing to the book in Zigzag's hand.

"The Lord of the Rings. Thlump threw it at me yesterday because I got him pissed off. It's a good read." Zigzag said.

"The...Two Towers?" Squid asked, reading off the cover.

"It's a trilogy." Zigzag answered. "I've got to the part where Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are in Rohan looking for Merry and Pippin." Squid looked dumbstruck

"Airhead-ga-whatta and Leggo-of-my-who?" Squid asked, totally stumped.

"Ssh." Ziggy hissed, signaling that he wanted to read.

* * *

Legolas surveyed the mass of orc corpses but even his elf eyes couldn't see the hobbits. He bowed his head and muttered an elven prayer for them as Aragorn fell to his knees and cried out in anguish.

He stopped suddenly and looked at the ground.

"A hobbit lay here." He announced to the others.

* * *

"KILL THE ORCS! KILL THE ORCS!! MWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!" Zigzag cackled at the television set. Everyone in the Wreck Room had stopped to watch his sudden outburst.

"Smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagolllll!!!" He squeaked, cackling. Squid, looking very alarmed, approached Zigzag slowly.

"Um...Ziggy? Are you alright, or should I get a tranquilizer gun?" Zigzag grinned at Squid.

"They're killing the orcs! It's awesome, dude, we got HBO!" Zigzag said excitedly. Squid looked from the static screen to his friend.

"I'll go get Mr. Sir's gun to rid you of your misery." Squid said sadly, getting up.

"No, look at this! It's the Lord of the Rings movie on HBO!!" Zigzag said, pointing at the TV. Squid raised an eyebrow at the TV, but then saw a flicker of a large group of men on horseback slaughtering goblin-like things.

"Whoa!" Squid exclaimed. "WE HAVE HBO! It's so--"

"REALLY!?" The whole Wreck Room dived for a spot in front of the TV before Squid could finish his sentence.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Zigzag bellowed. "THERE'S AN ORC GETTING SERIOUSLY KILLED HERE!"

There was a blinding flash of light and suddenly Zigzag and Squid disappeared.

"Aurgh..." Zigzag groaned, sitting up.

"What happened?" Squid asked, rubbing his head.

"There's dots in front of my eyes...AAAH! SQUID!" Zigzag yelled, wide-eyed, pointing at his friend.

"What?!" Squid asked frantically, alarmed.

"YOU HAVE CHICKENPOX!!!"

"Ah, no I don't!" Squid said, his hands on his hips.

"You do! STAY AWAY!" Zig yelled, scooting away from Squid. Squid rolled his eyes and then looked around at their surroundings. His eyes widened.

"Dude, we're in a forest...and it's WINDY!" He declared. All of a sudden they heard a loud cry of anguish coming from the other side of the group of trees. Zigzag panicked.

"We're gonna die!" he yelled "That was a guy being raped! WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE VIRGINS!!"

They were silent for several moments.

"You're still a virgin?" Squid asked, snorting.

"I believe in abstinence!" Zigzag declared defensively. They got up and decided to try to find a way out of the forest.

* * *

"Gimli, lower your axe." Aragorn said. The grumbling of the trees around them faltered.

"I hear..." Legolas said. He suddenly looked confused. "Someone is out there."

"Who?" Aragorn asked.

"The White Wizard."

* * *

"No, but seriously, you have kissed a girl, right?" Squid asked.

"Squid, I'm trying to be modest, but you're not helping!"

"Modest my ass! You have wet dreams about Julie Andrews! And her of all movie actresses!" Squid said.

"Hey! She was hot in the Sound of Music!" Zigzag said.

"You could have at least picked Halle Ber—Ooo-KAY, that is bright." Squid said as a magnificent white light shone before them and they saw an old man with his back to them. They couldn't see, but they guessed he was talking to someone standing before him.

"...I fell through fire, and water..." He was saying.

"He doesn't look like he did." Zigzag whispered. They listened to the old man talking but didn't really take in anything he was saying. He then stepped forward saying that they were going to Rohan for something and walked forward. The two boys didn't even have time to react before an arrow was pointed in their faces.

"Tell me your name and your business here." The owner of the nice pointy arrow said. They looked at him and saw that he had flawless ivory skin, long silky blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

"I'm, uh..." Squid said, dumbstruck.

"He's...and I'm...eh..." Ziggy stuttered.

"And he's a...We're from..."

"Camp...a-and HBO...went crazy...r-r-ruh-RAPE...and Julie Andrews..." Both Zigzag and Squid were speechless staring at this stranger aiming the arrow at them. This guy was BEAUTIFUL! Guys weren't supposed to be beautiful to other guys except if they were THAT WAY, which they weren't in this case.

"Mom kissing the milkman...lactose intolerant...ninety-year-old stripper..."

"Look at them, Aragorn," the dwarf said. "They're bumbling idiots!" Aragorn gave Gimli a sort of warning look and then signaled Legolas to lower his arrow.

"We shall take them with us and question them later." Aragorn said. He cast a weirded out look at their orange garb before going to follow Gandalf.

"Come on now, laddies." Gimli said, pushing Squid forward with the end of his axe.

"NO! One of you is a rapist! I think it's HIM 'cuz he's looking at me funny!" Zig said, pointing at Legolas.

In the end, they decided to tie the boys to the horses due to Zigzag's constant ramblings about spleens, old grannies and coke addicts...

* * *

Um...right, so the next chapter will be when I decide to post it.


End file.
